I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
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Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
You better watch out
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN