[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
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This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Terribly Tuesday.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.