*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
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Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
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Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare