*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
You Might Also Like
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
🤣dope
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home