[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
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Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
felt cute might bury dad later idk
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?