[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
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“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.