[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
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[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam