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@pleatedjeans: [cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
@imadepoopstoday: I've learned that you can buy a kitten with no problem, but you have to come back at a different time to buy the juicer.
@laurenreeves: My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would've stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like "Cute top!"
@MiahSaint: no one likes gloating
@P1ssed_K1d: If "she'll be riding six white horses when she comes", she's probably a little more woman than I can handle.
@iRowlf: My girlfriend thinks that I can't cook, but as soon as I figure out how much Play-Doh is supposed to go in meatloaf, I'll prove her wrong.