[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
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I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”