Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
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The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Hot hot hot 🥵
My new favorite headline
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution