Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
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I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
ok this is my dumbest yet
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me