girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
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Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.