[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
You Might Also Like
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.