Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
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witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Is everything ok, babe? You haven鈥檛 even touched your eppe
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn鈥檛 leave him any money last night and I鈥檓 upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI鈥檚 daughter: u have a UTI
TI鈥檚 daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I鈥檓 TI
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don鈥檛 have to physically hold it
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult馃槶
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can鈥檛 have housekeeping thinking we鈥檙e slobs, Karen
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot