Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
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Can. I. Help. You.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
DOOO EEEET
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken