Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
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Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
LA today:
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
life finds a way
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?