Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
You Might Also Like
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live