Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
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a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
Cool shirt 🙂
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables