I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
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I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.