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@jake_lach: Coffee- LET'S DO THIS SHIT
Weed- Don't be ridiculous
@TuffyNyC: "Instead of a 58 year old woman, I wanna look like a 28 year old shiny iguana" - Plastic Surgery
@lazerdoov: The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
@CarpentersCrack: Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented "that sounds delicious".
@NervousJr: I thought we were both kidding when we made plans for me to watch your kid.
@anerdonfire2: The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away