[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
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How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
Feels like there should be a middle ground
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken