[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
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Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons