[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
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ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
when u come home smelling like another dog
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!