[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
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More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!