[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
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i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills