Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
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“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
I’m just playing devils avocado here
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.