@simoncholland: Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you're out with your wife.
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@JoParkerBear: I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
@mollymcnearney: Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
@GrantTanaka: Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
@Social_Mime: Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. "Dan doesn't have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?"