@simoncholland: Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you're out with your wife.
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@thenatewolf: God: why don't we text anymore? Me: you know why God: I can't just give everyone a Sega whenever they ask. That's not how it works Me: k
@TeaPartyCat: Duck Dynasty guy is right-- if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
@SadMeterologist: My neighbors are organizing something called a "fun run". This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
@QwertyJones3: DOCTOR: Do you have any questions? "Can I shower with this cast?" DOCTOR: What do you think, guys? PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!