@simoncholland: Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you're out with your wife.
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@RidiculousSheri: "Knock knock" "Who's there?" "Pizza" "My new boyfriend who? "No. Pizza" "My future husband who?" "No." "Playing hard to get who?"
@xJLynn: If a dentist makes his money off unheathly teeth,why should I trust a toothbrush 4 out of 5 dentist approve?
@murrman5: [interview after finishing last in the olympics] do you regret saying "I could win this race wearing flip flops" [pulls mic close] yes