Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
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Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer