@1_swarthy_dude: Coffee so strong, it still works even though you've disabled java.
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@SortaBad: Waterskiing is fun. I wish there were more sports where machines just dragged you around
@krissywillbretz: [Spelling bee] Dad Judge: your word is "arson" Contestant: can you use it in a sentence? Dad Judge: You're not arson, you're adopted.
@SilverCricket9: #HowToEscapeADate No matter what he's talking about, bring the conversation back to your cat. "I love to travel." "My cat's an explorer."
@buttgh0st: [at club] DO YOU WANT TO DO A HUMAN SACRIFICE "WHAT?" [does stabbing and offering motion] A SACRIFICE, DO YOU WANT TO DO ONE