Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
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Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.