@MissAnneBlondie: Coffee so strong, you finish the "to do" list, that you haven't even written yet.
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@hammbone84: [On phone with Pizza Hut] Me: I texted my order 4 hrs ago! PH: Are you sure you didn't tweet it...again? Me: PH: Sir? Me: K. Love you. Bye.
@JosesLovesYou: For a hero, it's pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
@causticbob: News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change. But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
@albo_albert: *falls down* Mom: What was that? Me: My shirt fell Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt Me: I was in it