Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
You Might Also Like
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
i’m sure it’s fine
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves