In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
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My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
every. time.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
remember
only for emergencies
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
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