I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
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When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
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90Me: Nailed it.
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar