amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
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me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
Shoo shoo! 😂
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days