Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
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The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit