you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
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I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
My love language is hissing.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.