I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
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Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce