I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
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I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.