Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
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The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance