Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
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Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else