Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
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My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
i would wish you the best but i am the best
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.