I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
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When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
What do you hear?
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Human are so complicated
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*