[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
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no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
inventing words: clothing
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh