[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
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My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture