[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
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me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.