College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
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A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”