Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
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*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
A great tip. #CakeRex
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline