College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
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Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now