Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
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My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it