College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
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People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
Ah yes. The three genders
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.