A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
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my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
Facebook memories be like
ok like just. call me at this point
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill