College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
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My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him